Save Us From What?
I missed the All-Star Game this year. Not just the game, but the Draft and the Superskills. And for some reason I don't care. If I wasn't at the arena the whole weekend I definitely would have watched it, but I don't feel upset for missing it, which I find weird. With all the hype the Game was bringing I thought the game was taking a turn for the better. It turned out to be the same thing as last year: a commercialized entertainment buzz with NHL players as the actors. What happened to the All-Star Game? Back in like 1983 the teams would actually play to win and the best players were all there. None of this "have someone from every team" garbage. Have the best players there. Period.
One nice thing the Hurricanes organization did was link the Fantasy Draft with pond hockey, picking sticks and having Rod Brind'Amour and Ron Francis out on the ice. What happened after was just gruesome.
This big dark thing appeared on the screen and confused the crap out of me. It said it's name was Deven Dark and he wanted to destroy the world or something. But don't worry, the NHL Guardians are here to save the day. Yawn.
First of all, I want to know why your name is Deven Dark and why you want to destroy the world. Then I want to find out why you were created, find the persons/people who created with you, and destroy them instead. Because they totally ruined a part of what was a cool intro for the All Star Game.
A friend of mine gave me a link to the story behind the Guardians. It told of their origins and why they were created. I read the whole thing and still didn't get it. I guess it's a marketing campaign that I believe will fail miserably, but I could be wrong. The point of this article is to look at the NHL Guardians and try and see what these creators were thinking.
The Maple Leaf
George Prax goes in depth on this monstrosity
Comparables: The Thing + Ent from Lord of the Rings + Poison Ivy from Batman
Comparables: Ghost Rider - bike + Mysterio's popped collar (from Spiderman) + Jigglypuff's musical talents (controls the element of sound)
The Good: The Blue is mysterious and pops his collar. What's better than that?
The Bad: Can jump out of airplanes and fly by spreading his coat. Kids, don't try that at home.
The Ugly: Why fly when you can teleport? Too many abilites. And since when is sound an element?
Comparables: Dark Knight
The Good: Leads the other Guardians into battle
The Bad: Real Kings sit on the throne and do nothing
The Ugly: Real Kings don't live in LA and walk the red carpet and are also a movie star
The Good: Raised as the son of a steel worker...makes sense
The Bad: Randomly invents things
The Ugly: "Most impressive looking hero" - he looks like Cyclops, who wears spandex. Not cool.
Comparables: Storm + Birdie the Early Bird's Hair (McDonald's Mascot)
The Good: Will back you up and kick ass if need be
The Bad: Also an inventor and is an entrpreneur, I wonder what business he's in if he clearly is a superhero...
The Ugly: Not really anything to complain about here, the Hurricane is the best one by far. Which makes me think they took a lot of time seeing the game was in Raleigh. Which means they probably rushed the other ones.
Comparables: Crimson Dynamo + Helicopter propeller
The Good: Noticing that a Blackhawk is also a helicopter used in wars as well as an Indian tribe
The Bad: Not noticing that a helicopter has nothing to do with the team
The Ugly: "Jump on my big shoulders and let's get it done." Enough said. Sounds gay.
Comparables: Deadpool + Whiplash from Iron Man
The Good: Thank God the Sabre isn't a Buffalo like the team's Buffaslug logo
The Bad: He only has one sword when the Sabres logo has two
The Ugly: I know Buffalo is by Niagra Falls, but why make the Sabre water based?
Comparables: Angel from X-Men
The Good: Flyers = has wings
The Bad: bleeds the rainbow (red, white, blue, orange, black)
The Ugly: Has a titanium eagle that can allow him to see what the eagle sees. There is no eagle correlated with the Flyers at all.
Comparables: Juggernaut + Whiplash + Petro Canada Gas Pump
The Good: I guess that's what an Oiler is
The Bad: He loves getting his hands "dirty"
The Ugly: "He's a modern day Cain" - he killed his brother apparently
Comparables: Google 'Black Panther'. He's Identical. Nightcrawler's powers
The Good: has shadow powers which is pretty cool
The Bad: Paints his nails
The Ugly: clearly they took no time with a team like Florida and said "take Black Panther and slap a Panthers logo on him."
Comparables: Satan + Calgary Flames old Horse head logo + Gargoyle from Quasimodo
The Good: The devil is actually a devil......
The Bad: .....with a horse head for some reason
The Ugly: He's evil, but is good. For some reason I see him teaming up with Deven Dark. Also talks to kids to tell them that the Devil is "Good." A perfect role model.
Comparables: Wolfsbane minus tights
The Good: same colours as the Wild logo. I mean what is a Wild anyways?
The Bad: A bear that can shoot lasers out of its paws............what?
The Ugly: Has to chain himself up at night so he doesn't kill any of the other Guardians. Sounds like a nice guy. So thoughtful.
Comparables: Storm + testosterone + Electro + Silver Surfer's snowboard + Zeus' bolts
The Good: Has all the powers I expected him to have and apparently wheels and deals with the ladies
The Bad: The surf board is kind of unnecessary
The Ugly: Lightning Mohawks shooting out your skull are out of style
Comparables: Cyber + tiger head
The Good: Looks like a full body version of the Preds logo
The Bad: "What would Pred do?" -what Guardians ask themselves in a pickle. Therefore the Predator = Jesus. WWJD=WWPD
The Ugly: He listens to country music. But he's a flesh eating brute of a Guardian. Doesn't seem to fit. He also lives in an opera house.
Comparables: Shark from DC Comics + Tiger Shark + Snowmobile feet
The Good: Pretty sucessful in giving a shark arms and legs
The Bad: Shoes are a size XXXXXXXL because of those dumb looking ski-doo feet
The Ugly: How the heck is he a computer geek if he lives in water? Waterproof laptops?
Comparables: Ursa Major (Cold War Comics)
The Good: Pretty much what a Bruin should look like
The Bad: Has to smell you to tell if you are lying. Weird power.
The Ugly: Is a book smart bear that went to a Boston University.Yeah, he got accepted as a bear.
Comparables: Batman + fish
The Good: I guess that's an orca. Because I've never seen one.
The Bad: Batman lost one of his head prongs
The Ugly: When he runs out of cologne
Comparables: Iron Man
The Good: Looks like a real superhero
The Bad: Too bad it looks just like Iron Man
The Ugly: He can fly, but has skates on his feet "just in case." Like if the bad guy drops his weapons and says "Let's settle this over a game of puck?"
Comparables: Angel + Falcon (Fantastic Four)
The Good: A great representation of the Caps third logo and their old eagle one
The Bad: Apparently he has a human side, and of course Stan Lee says he can shape shift to become a human. It's too easy to say that.
The Ugly: "He can speak any language." Greatest power of all time is to be fluent, everyone knows that.
The Red Wing
Comparables: Speed Racer + Transformer + Tricycle
The Good: They tried to incorporate the Wings with the Motor City
The Bad: The Wings logo has bird's wings, not a jet plane
The Ugly: It has a hawk's head. Maybe they should have put that on the Blackhawk instead.
The Blue Jacket
Comparables: War Machine (Ironman) + Tinman (Wizard of Oz) + machine guns
The Good: Soldiers in the Civil War had guns, therefore the Jacket has a bunch of them. Also isn't reminiscent of that stupid Green Bug they used to have
The Bad: Unplug his robotic battery and you have a pile of metal
The Ugly: Puts his flag around victims and it suspends them in time. I'm confused.
Comparables: The Human Torch (Fantastic Four) + Pyro (X-Men) + Cyclops' beam + Phoenix (X-Men)
The Good: This might be the second best Guardian
The Bad: Has a lot of cultures. Must have a complicated family tree then.
The Ugly: Likes to snow ski. Does anyone see a problem here?
Comparables: Shocker (Spiderman) + Constrictor + Bane (Batman & Robin movie)
The Good: If a star is like the Sun, then it's got to have light powers and
The Bad: His toes are showing, which makes his feet look weird
The Ugly: He is made up of hydrogen and helium. So is he real? How can he be living? Catch phrase is "There's a new Sheriff in town." But they aren't the Cowboys so why even say that. It should be somthing like "Shoot for the Stars." TSN should have come up with the phrases.
Comparables: Wolverine + Sabertooth claws
The Good: Wolverine is killer, therefore so is the Coyote
The Bad: Are there a lot of a bad guys in the desert where he roams?
The Ugly: I want to know why there's a dinosaur in the background because I'm stumped.
Comparables: Snow Miser (The Year Without A Santa Claus) in Mr. Freeze's suit (Batman)
The Good: Can crush people in an Avalanche
The Bad: Looks like the Avalanche stole Austin Power's cryogenic machine to freeze himself
The Ugly: "The Avalanche is frozen, more specifically; he's a giant piece of walking frozen rocky earth." So he is basically an inanimate and therefore couldn't possibly be alive. So why does he have to be frozen?
The Good: Great creation of the Sens logo
The Bad: "The Senator is a descendent of the Roman God Jupiter (the God of Thunder), who is the father of Mars, who in turn, is the father of Romulus and Remus (the legendary founders of Rome)." Why couldn't he just be a regular Roman Soldier?
The Ugly: Age - 2000 years old. I bet his osteoporosis is kicking in big time.
Comparables: Night Rider's bike + Captain America's shield + Whiplash's wip
The Good: New Yorker's ride bikes a lot, right?
The Bad: The bike can fly. What is he Hagrid's son or something?
The Ugly: Most likely to be found in a nightclub. As good as a role model as the Devil
Comparables: Wild Wing + Daffy Duck + Donald Duck + Silver Surfer +any other duck you can think of
The Good: He has all the making of a great hero, he looks like Wild Wing and lives by the Ocean
The Bad: Is it ironic a duck carries a harpoon. I guess if the Shark ever gets snippy he has that just in case.
The Ugly: He can only fly at certain altitudes, and for a short period of time, and needs boosters to swim fast, and also needs special boots to do this. He's like Batman: all gadgets and no powers. And why on earth does he have a trust fund?
The Good: He has a grappling hook. That's good right?
The Bad: Needs the grappling hook to climb up the standings. It is currently broken.
The Ugly: "He has the ability to turn parts of his body into sea water in order to slip into an enemy stronghold undetected" - you better wear a chastity belt around him.
Comparables: Iron Man
The Good: "Atlanta is a major manufacturer of cruise missiles and as a result the Thrasher has a variety of mini-cruise missiles at his disposal." I did not know that. Thanks Stan Lee!
The Bad: In no way shape or form does this resemble a thrasher, a bird native of Atlanta
The Ugly: He has 4 jets on him. Isn't one enough?
Finally the NHL Guardians as a whole:
The Good: Marketing campaign could potentially work very well
The Bad: Stan Lee needs to get a life
The Ugly: Why does almost every Guardian have telekinesis?
Thanks for putting up with this long article. Hope you guys can have some fun with it.