The NHL season has begun with many stories, but don't worry, Gary Bettman has banned James Wisniewski from reading them to us. Instead Bryan Murray will read them to us, so I hope you brought your umbrellas.
So sit tight or just pretend like you're Tyler Bozak waiting for a shift in the third period and listen to the story, or whatever this is.
*Bryan Murray licks his finger to turn the page, but for some reason the page is already soaked.*
"Ok, let's begin.
Once Upon A Time,
There was a hockey team that won the first four games of the season. If this was the post-season that would have been a first round sweep. But only one of these games was against the Senators, so it couldn't have possibly been.
(cuts away from the story) Aww damnit! Who put that in there. That was a long time ago, before I got here anyways. Look at what has changed since I've been here. We turned Marian Hossa into Dany Heatley who we then turned into Milan Michalek. We lost in the Stanley Cup Finals damnit! Go ahead laugh at that, but if this was Vancouver the fans would have been more than satisfied.
Anyways, I got sidetracked, I'm just going to skip the rest of this chapter to make up for the time we've wasted already.
Ok, let's begin again.
Ok this next little story is about two players. Now these two players didn't like each other very much. They were saying very mean things to each other while they were playing, like one of them said the F word to the other one. Can you believe that? Well that's just the beginning of it. One of the players got so frustrated with the other player that he started to make an obscene gesture, simulating...ummm.... blowing a horn. Yeah so he was pretending to blow a horn, or smoke a pole, blow the whistle, feed the calf....whatever you want to call it kids.
Either way it was derogatory and inappropriate. Kids, by now you should have learned that if you have a problem with someone, you can punch them in the face, push them neck first into boards or simply just use your stick on their ankles like you were hacking down a tree. But please, don't cross the line by making suggestive gestures.
Ok well anyways, this player who blew the horn was getting ready to face stiff punishment (no pun intended) for his actions. But you see, the guy who was in charge of giving all of these punishments got really lazy over the years. He got so lazy that he wasn't even reviewing what was happening. If something that required punishment happened, he would simply watch it on TSN and then refer to Bob Mackenzie's twitter account to determine the punishment. Unfortunately though, this time the player crossed the line so far that what he did was blurred on TSN. This made the punisher desperate. Then the greatest thing happened that would allow him to avoid all work. He learned that another player had delivered a devastating hit to the head of another player, an act that would also have to be punished. He decided he would give both of them the same punishment. He made a mistake though, when determining the punishment, he accidentally referred to Stan Bowman's twitter account and not Bob Mackenzie's.
The light punishment threw the league and its fans into frenzy, almost like the Canadiens had won a playoff game, except no people were killed. With the lighter punishments, players started taking more liberties, for example even some Russian players were throwing bodychecks.
Then finally came the straw that broke Marian Gaborik's shoulder. A player attacked a fan. The attack was so vicious that it is believed that the button at the top of the fan's shirt came undone. There was outrage and the fan threatened legal action. The fan pondered legal action for a while when he learned that it could backfire and he could actually be sentenced to more Minnesota Wild games. But after much deliberation he decided to pursue legal action.
This required the the league Commissioner to get involved, who was not too happy. After all, he has two jobs; he has to run a league and also run the team that the league owns. But you see, the team the league owns isn't doing so well. They make less money than the local chinese buffet in Bruce Boudreau's town.
So the commissioner called up the punisher, who then referred to Bob Mackenzie's twitter, this time without making a mistake and determined that the player would receive stiffer punishment to erect the situation.
The loudspeaker comes on, "Mr. Murray, what about the last part there about Alex Kovalev and the struggles of the Ottawa Senators?"
"I said THE END"
Alright, we want to thank Bryan Murray for reading that story for us this week. Stay tuned for next weeks story and we'll have another special guest reader, we promise.