Leafs Distress Calls

After another humiliating loss last night, the Leafs have decided to open an emergency call center so that people can cope with the pain. Here are some of the calls from today.

Call 1

Operator: Leafs Distress Call Center, state your emergency,
Caller: Hi, I'm having really bad chest pains after last night's loss.
Operator: Look, maybe you just need to relax, you can't get too emotional over a game, especially one you have no control over.
Caller: I know, I just feel like maybe its my fault and I just get really stressed out.
Operator: That's the problem with people in Toronto, they think that somehow the Leafs woes are on them at the end of the day, just try to understand it's not your fault.
Caller: I know, I just feel like maybe if the team had some more offense I would feel better.
Operator: Well sir, unfortunately, help is not on the way, but if I could just get your name for our records please.
Caller: Yeah, the first name is Jonas, and the last name is spelled Gustavsson.

Call 2
Operator: Leafs 9-1-1, state your emergency,
Caller: This is ridiculous, I've been trying to get through for hours. All of your lines are really that busy?
Operator: All of our lines? Sir this is Toronto, we only have one line, and even then it doesn't always work.

Call 3
Operator: Leafs 9-1-1, state your emergency,
Caller: I can't eat, I can't sleep, the thought of the Leafs missing the playoffs yet again is driving me crazy, what should I do.
Operator: Well sir, the fact that you're a Leaf fan and you're just starting to be driven crazy puts you ahead of the game.
Caller: Well that doesn't really help.
Operator: Look, sometimes life gives you John Mitchells, and when that happens you just make....well I'm not sure what you would make, but you get the point.
Caller: Not Really
Operator: Good, now you'll fit in with the rest of the sheep.
Caller: Howard!?!
Operator: *click*

Call 4

Operator: Leafs 9-1-1, state your emergency,
Caller: Knock Knock,
Operator: Who's there?
Caller: Peter Tuukka
Operator: Peter Tuukka who?
Caller: He Tuukka Rask, Seguin and another 1st this year!
Operator: Very mature Mr. Chiarelli.

Call 5

Operator: Leafs 9-1-1, state your emergency,
Caller: Hi, I didn't receive my direct deposit from the Leafs for this weeks payment.
Operator: Well this isn't really an emergency, but if you could just give me your name so that I can look into it in the payroll binder.
Caller: Sure, it's Darcy Tucker,
Operator: Thank you Mr. Tucker, let me just look you up in the payroll...yes here you are on page 90. Unfortunately banks are closed today for Remembrance Day, you should receive your deposit by Monday.
Caller: Monday!?! But I need my money.
Operator: Maybe you can try telling everyone on twitter and they'll give you money out of sympathy.
Caller: You think that will work?
Operator: Probably not.

Call 6

Operator: Leafs 9-1-1, state your emergency,
Caller: Hi, I'd like to report a hit and run,
Operator: Ok, did you manage to get down the number of the suspect?
Caller: Yeah, his jersey number is 84.
Operator: Jersey number? Ok, when I type it in it shows Mikhail Grabovski,
Caller: Yeah that's the guy!
Operator: Ok, was anybody hurt?
Caller: hahahahahahaha....no.
Operator: Alright, well I'll get someone to look into it.

Call 7

Operator: Leafs 9-1-1, state your emergency,
Caller: Hi, I'd like to report a theft.
Operator: Ok, can I get the location,
Caller: Yeah, it happened at the Air Canada Centre, section 108, row 7.
Operator: O...K....go ahead and explain what happened.
Caller: Yeah, so the guy came around with hotdogs so I ordered two, one for me and one for my wife.
Operator: Go on...
Caller: Yeah, so I gave the guy a twenty dollar bill, and he left without giving me my change...
Operator: Well, I don't know how to say this sir, but you probably weren't supposed to get change, *click*

Call 8

Operator: Leafs 9-1-1, state your emergency,
Caller: Hi, first time caller, long time listener,
Operator: Sir, this is an emergency call center, which actually opened this morning, how are you a listener at all, let alone a long time listener.
Caller: Well you see, they won't let me on the air anymore at the other radio stations.
Operator: Other radio stations? Sir, this isn't a radio station.
Caller: Yeah, so anyways, the Leafs need some help at center, they should get some big centers. They should maybe make a trade for Joe Thornton and Mike Richards, I think that would help the team. That's all I have to say, I'll hang up now and listen.

Well those are just some of the calls this morning from a panic stricken Leafs Nation. Panic will only get more frantic the further into the Abyss the Leafs go.

Patrick Storto